CHAPTER NINETY-FIVE :
Some time ago I told you about my driving licence, and how I couldn't take it, cause of a scared-stiff instructor threatening to resign if I was to have one more lesson.
I gave up, because , whenever I stepped into the driving-school, the poor guy got panic-stricken as if he was about to be sent to the scaffold .
He was in his early forties, and the apprentice road-hogs he had trained had already left stress wrinkles on his forehead and bags under his eyes.
I didn't want to be his executioner, so I bade farewell to my dream of holding the steering wheel and playing a remake of 'Thelma and Louise' with my best friend.
Anyway, no regret, cause I care for her and giving her a lift would have been life-threatening, you see what I mean ...
As years went by, I got used to being the front seat passenger and getting on Dearhubby's nerves with my constant warnings (how come he still can't get used to them ?).
To compensate for my lack of licence, I have done my best to master the art of driving shopping-carts, and I've passed the test with flying colours ! That's something I can brag about !
I am the Queen of the shopping-trolley corrals !
Whatever the coin, the token or the card to insert, no shopping-cart rebels ! I can unlock one a in wink and its wheels never jam !!
Can you believe that ?
Yes ?
Well, you're wrong ! It's a bundle of lies ! I'm just like you. I often struggle with faulty carts ! Some of them are even so sneaky that they pretend to run smoothly, and then get stuck just when I'm passing through the revolving doors !!
But I have tremendous drive, and up to now none has driven me nuts !
So, whatever the trolley, I don't really mind household shopping. I know the local supermarket layout so well that I could go on my shopping trip in my sleep !
I know all their tricks, and I have a tried-and-true way not to fall for them :
a well-planned and well-organized shopping list !
Thanks to it, no wandering along the aisles aimlessly, no waste of time, no impulse buys, just what I need and nothing else !
Smart and easy, isn't it ? Yes, but unfortunately often untrue !
My tricky shopping list manages, either to stay comfy at home, or to get lost on a display !
Then, the only thing I can do is rely on my memory, so more often than not I end up buying needless things and forgetting what I had come for.
That's what happened two weeks ago.
It was Dearhubby's birthday, and I had planned to invite a couple of friends to share a ' a choucroute '. Not typically English, but so hearty and comforting when the weather turns chilly.
All the way to the supermarket, I was clutching my precious list and trying to learn it by heart, just in case ...
For once, Dearhubby could drive quietly without any of my "brake! slow down ! watch out ! " background music !
Believe me or not, I guess I am doomed to challenge my memory,cause while I was unlocking a shopping-cart, a strong gust of wind blew away my damned list !
I ran after it, but in vain ! The faster I ran, the farther it flew !
So, I gave up, cause the Breton wind is strong and stubborn , and I knew it could turn my shopping list into a weathercock in a squall !
I had to do my shopping from memory, and treading along the aisles and picking up the right ingredients for a choucroute was far from being a walk in the park ...
Anyway, while queueing at the check-out, I was, I must confess, quite proud of myself : the sauerkraut, the ham hock, the knackwursts and the different kinds of sausages were just waiting quietly in the bottom of the cart to simmer and make us happy !
Not so surprising yet, cause, if honey bees are able to remember the scent of the countless number of flowers they visit, why a perky busy bee should not be able to memorize a shopping list !
All the way back home, I kept harping on about my memory and how accurate it was !
What a braggart !!
I should have remembered a Spanish proverb I learnt at school :
" Tell me what you brag about, and I'll tell you what you lack ".
As soon as back home, Bragging Perky had to eat humble pie : juniper berries and mustard were reported missing, or, to be honest, my so-called unfailing memory was just like a sieve !
Well, juniper berries were optional, but a choucroute without mustard made no sense !
No, mustard was a must (hey, that's a good mnemonic when shopping for a choucroute, isn't it ?).
So, I had to swallow my pride, and asked Dearhubby to give me a lift back to the supermarket.
He accepted, but couldn't hep saying :
" By the way,have you thought of writing a chapter about Memory
Leaks ? ".
I didn't reply.
He dropped me off in front of the supermarket, and stayed in the car, but, just as I was about to go through the entrance doors, he put down the window and shouted :
" Perky, juniper berries and mustard,will you be able to remember ? "
I just shrugged my shoulders and went my way .
I knew where the condiments department was, so I was done with my small shopping in a wink.
That's when I came across a cousin of mine I had not seen for over six months.
Too bad !
Come on, I do love my relatives,but you remember that chatting is the favourite sport of the women in my family !
So, time to tell her I was in a hurry, and half-an-hour had gone by !
Time to part and say good-bye, and the sneaky needles of my watch had moved one quarter ahead !!
Chitchats are time-consuming, aren't they ?
Unfortunately, Dearhubby is not aware of that, or, at least, he pretends he can't make it out !
I had to find another excuse, cause cooling his heels for nearly one hour was something difficult to swallow. Yes ,for sure, much more difficult to swallow than a hearty portion of choucroute !
Telling him that juniper berries were not ripe enough and that the shop-assistant had to go and pick up others was a phoney excuse, wasn't it ?
So what ? Too late to think it over !!
I rushed out. It was drizzling and night was falling, but I could see our car headlights fading away !
Sure, after waiting so long, Dearhubby was beside himself and had decided to teach me a lesson !
I still had a flicker of hope not to go all the way back home on foot and get soaked to the bones : at the parking exit there was a roundabout, and Dearhubby would have to slow down and yield priority to the flow of traffic quite heavy at that time of the day.
I ran over the speed limit, and could catch up with my raging chauffeur.
I knocked madly at the window, and cried :
" Open the door, that's not funny ! I'll explain ! Come on, don't play
dumb, I'm getting drenched ! ".
The window went down, and behind the wheel there was a man I didn't know, looking at me suspiciously !
Before I could utter an apology, another car stopped beside me, another window went down, and a voice said :
"Perky, once more you are harassing drivers ! Stop immediately and
get in our car ! You remember what the psy said about harassers,
don't you ? So, be a good girl, get in and take your tranquillizer ! ".
Jeez ! What a disgrace ! I was feeling mortified, and to put an end to Dearhubby's snarky joke, I hopped into our car !
All the way back home I kept silent. After such a shameful misfortune, I was far from feeling as keen as mustard !!
That's all for this week, folks !
Enjoy your meal, and don't forget : be perky !!
PS : By the way, the choucroute was delicious !
PS : By the way, the choucroute was delicious !
